Thoughts on the Train

Every year I look forward to December. Not particularly because of the expectation of waking up Christmas morning and opening gifts. I buy myself gifts the time! I don't enjoy the shopping, crowds, and the feeding frenzy on the sales, but I do enjoy the crisp morning air, quiet cloudless nights full of stars, and the lights that decorate the streets in my city of Astoria NY. I have incredibly fond memories of being in our family home, up on Mount Hood in Oregon. One memory sticks out in particular. I was probably 15 or 16 years old, and I couldn't sleep.  I crept downstairs into our living room and peered out the window, over the back of the sofa. It had been snowing all day and snow had accumulated in drifts around the railing of our house. The lights on the sidewall of our house illuminated the snow as it was slowly falling. Behind me in the 6 foot tall stone hearth fireplace the embers of that evenings fire still glowed. The house was completely silent as everyone else was...

The weather has turned chilly. I see people wearing hoodies, sweaters, and scarves. It's not quite cold enough for hats and gloves, but the wind blows down the street. The trees sway and leaves swirl in peaceful tornadoes. Father winter is on his way. He is breathed a strong breath into the end of summer. Soon the midnight mysticism of winter's first snowfall will cover the ground. Will we be ready? By Eric Hodgson on Oct 18th on the M train.

I slipped out the door into the dark cold November night. As I walked the few steps to the subway to begin my lonely trek home, the smell of you is still on my fingertips, on my sweater, in my hair. I absently touch my lips feeling the rough spots from where your stubble ground against my flesh in our passion. It hurts but it is a pleasing pain. In my mind I can see you lying next to me your brown eyes looking right through me. Seeing me for who I really am, and I am not afraid. I worry that I will disappoint you. I worry that I am not what I seem. Yet I know your intuition is accurate, you let that slip. So I will trust you and trust myself to finally be myself. Be the man I have hidden away. Be the man that you are attracted to. Be the man you see clear as day. Eric Hodgson November 1st, 2011

Some people lose themselves in a book Some lose themselves in a movie or song others lose themselves in food or drink me ....I lost myself in none of these. one day I looked out on the world and wondered what am I doing? Where did I veer so off course. The stress of it all makes me lose sight of my end goal. Health and happiness. I turn to habits and things destructive No...I must turn myself around. I must find my way back on track back to the road I started walking down with determination It will take determination and perserverance to do so It is never easy to let things go but dissappointment is the least of these I put my solemn hat of loneliness back on look at my computer screen and think this is not the way it is supposed to be. I should be happy. but i am not. Time will change this Time and me.

The music drifts through my mind nourishing my senses. I know the soft Celtic beat the sound of the strings, the gentle tone of the piano keys. In the distance, A flute and the soft persistant voice of an angel Repeating the words, "one day....one day" heard but not heard. I feel it in my bones and as I wake to look around, I see the fairies open their wings extending them in the pale moonlight as the night lilies open. Fireflies dance around the newly awoken Fae creating a halo of light among the soft shimmer of gossamer wings. With each opening beat of their wings, faerie dust drifts in the wind, glistening. Off to chase a child's dreams. The Fairies turn, rising in the air in their faerie dance, One faerie, she stops she sees a man, frozen. The moon dust settling on him in this untarnished world. A painful longing coming from him. In the distance, another faerie sees yet another man Unmoving in this, their realm. Sensing the same long...

I won't let you close enough to hurt me. powerful words. especially when starting out, on the adventure of a new relationship. I will let you close enough to hurt me, but lust is present. there is more to this than initial physical attraction. most would run away, afraid to put themselves out into the void of uncertainty. when do you open yourself up? What signs do YOU need to feel safe in your security, that your feelings will be reciprocated, rather than rejected, deserted. We all know, nothing ventured nothing gained but what are you willing to venture? to risk? To lose? I won't let you close enough to hurt me, but does that make me close myself off, to the wonderful rewards, from taking such a high risk? The fear is bone chilling, it is an opening up of your deepest darkest self, in hopes that your mate will take what is offered, and nurture it, except it, love it as they do you. I won't let you close enough to hurt me, but what you wi...

Come with me on a journey through the night.  The city streets await. Fly with me. Let the avenues we glide down be your fantasy, the streets your fetish. Nothing is lost to you. Open your eyes to the colors of the night. The dark indigo of the night sky, the bright white of the stars and the dull yellow of the waning moon. The blueish white of the streetlamps, and the red and yellow glows of the cars as they pass us by. Feed on fear and drink deeply of the night, untill it pulses through your veins like molten gold. Feast on my majesty and fear my wrath. Nothing can harm you, with me you are immortal. And when the night turns to a time of passion, I shall run my fingers through the hair on your chest. Grasping and tugging gently, then with more ferocity. Run a feather down my spine, and watch my flesh prickle, with anticipated pleasure. Touch your lips, ever so gently, to my chest, my belly, to that which makes me a man. Growl with me in our animalistic passion. Submit to m...

The color of disappointment The wind blows softly, stirring the leaves in the trees I walk along. Green, yellow, gold. Colors shift through my vision as I walk alone. I want to hold onto them, I want to keep them in this happy place. My own little treasure trove. I come upon a lake of deepest blue. The water scattered with the reflection of puffy white clouds mirrored in the blue sky above. A fiery amber jewel strikes the surface branching off like the points of a star...It is the sun. I watched the scene below and know when I look up, it will be the same above. The surface breaks with tiny ripples, ever-growing, expanding outward. It’s glasslike sheen shattered. What has disturbed such serenity? Perhaps it was a fish rising from the murky depths tired of the dark of the deep and seeking the blue of the sky above. Or perhaps it was the touch of a mayfly as it flies close to the surface skimming to refresh itself. I am taken aback by the colors of the scene...

Deep within the dungeon of my heart, Where even I am afraid to go, I see a light. Lost in the dark though I am, This light guides me, Beckoning me to move ever forward, So I follow the light, Seemingly out of reach. Through the walls of the dungeon, Of my own creation. The walls become discernible, With pictures of my past. I linger on a picture, A snapshot in time, It is of you, smiling, In the afternoon light through the trees, With me, laughing, With a joy and heartiness I have forgotten. My mouth open wide, Joyous in my laughter, My eyes tightly closed, So that the crow’s feet of age, Are once again the laugh lines of my youth. I remember now, The light gives me hope, The Darkness seems to lift. The light beckons me forward, So I turn away from this choice memory and follow the light, Onward through the halls of my sadness and fear, The walls become more solid, Clean. Though through this corridor I must trave...

Not easily written about if you have little experience. My first love.....so long ago, Friend Companion Lover You left me too soon, but I never lost my love for you. 15 years it took to come back together and I still remember our love making like it was yesterday. Passionate, caring, needful. I regret not returning to you when you asked... I will always love you.....Always. My second love......nearly 20 years later. Hard Rough Generous Sensual Kind Compassionate Caring Kinky Misunderstood Lover I gave my heart to you without even knowing it. You will always be the light that shines brightest on me in my darkest hours. An anchor that holds me firm when my resolve fades. Friends told me to run from you. I told them, " You cannot choose who you love, the heart knows what the heart wants." Craziness Confusion Expressive Passion Apology Love All these things I felt with you. But among them all, Love remains the strongest. You asked me to m...

I turn over, as the sun creeps through the window shade, resentfull of the intrusion. Another day has arrived waking me from my dream-filled slumber. I open my eyes. I stare at the ceiling. I wonder, where has my joy gone? It seems I had it once. I remember it's heat, It burned like a hearth fire inside my soul. So much I looked forward to. So much more yet to see. I can tell it's still there, the lite warmth keeps me going. The joy is there in my soul,  but only tendrils exist, in my mind, of the desire that once was. My strength seems to have left me. I stand in a crowded room, anxious. So easy to be in a crowded room yet be alone. I can sense my joy burning within me. But something is holding it back. I am here to find it. I wait for its return, needing there to be a scent of hope on the wind. I feel it flutter against my face, perhaps this will be my stop, perhaps here, I will find my joy again. The moment passe,s and yet,...

Tonight I watched a woman make a child smile she did not know. On the subway, the youngster was playing with a plastic lightsaber with absolute abandon. One of those elongated hollow plastic tubes with a flashlight type gadget at the other end. When he brandished it at the woman sitting across from him she cowered in fear to his squeals of delight. His parents seemed oblivious to the interaction but I was keen on how this would progress. With the first giggle began a makeshift game of hide and seek. The boy would brandish his light saber at the stranger and she would act out in fear. He giggled with each act of the game but soon it was the woman's train stop and she would need to go. As the train pulled into her station she playfully frowned at the boy as she stood to leave . she stood at the doors and waved goodbye to the boy . as the doors opened the boy brandished his light saber one final time . As the subway doors slid open, the woman feigned a dramatic...

I sit here alone, ordering a drink for one, that was meant for two. You walked away from me. Without a thought, without a care. No words were spoken. And I am left behind painfully to bleed, like a slowly seeping wound, wondering what I did wrong, until my heart, once again, recovers. I can't believe it was what you wanted. I can't believe this is the person you are. Someone who is invested in love, only to hurt. I took a chance on you, let my defenses slip. Then you left. Without a thought, without a care. Now those defenses are back, and pity the next in line. For love is painful and cruel but we seek it still. After all this.... still I sit, alone, in a brightly lit bar, ordering a drink for one, that was meant for two. EH JUL 2 2011 10:16pm on the E train