Fear, Pain and Waiting


Fear pain and waiting

We all go through these
But they mean something different to each one of us.

 years of pain and the threat of death.
Waiting for the phone to ring.

Afraid to go to sleep, thankful that you woke up.
I’ve been there before and know I will be there again.
  
I am prepared.

It’s been 10 years.
10 years of near perfection in life. No pain, no fear….trudging forward.

And the numbers go up.
They go up and my fear and anxiety skyrocket.

And I wait…..for the next test.

Fear
Fear that I will be that helpless individual that relies on others to survive. Fear that I will lose my independence. Fear I will lose my job. Fear of pity and shame.

Still, I wait

Pain
The pain ….24hrs a day 7 days a week. Deep in your bones. In your head, in your heart ….in your soul. And of course in your chest, arms, belly, and legs. Needles the size of ball point pens.
Blood pressure crashing. Nothing you can do…….

But wait.

Pray that you’re ready……
Reliance on the goodness of others. Their training, their hearts and their willingness to keep you alive.

Doctors, Nurses, bills……..fear.
No one to save you this time…….
For you to live, someone else must die.

Waiting for the phone to ring.

It is time…..time to die or time to live

Ring ring……..



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